.....and other random stuff......

Thursday, February 10, 2011

A is for angry

so, driving to the oncologists office yesterday i pass by a local church. this particular church has a sign out front where they post a different ‘message’ every week. on this day the message says ‘YOU ARE ON GOD'S WAITING LIST’.

wait, what?

on the way to the oncologist’s office for my follow up after surgery and i see that sign?

i am just superstitious enough to think, aw, crap!

well, the blood test was okay, but apparently the ca125 isn’t very reliable when it comes to ovarian cancer and its possible recurrence. so i have to go for a ct scan, but not until august.

once again, I am on tenterhooks. i am very angry. i feel like i’m being held hostage by this stupid disease. I swing between anger and feeling like I just want to curl up into a ball and cry.

i find it very frustrating to be angry and have nowhere to direct it.

i can’t be angry at the doctor. it’s not the doctor’s fault. but i can’t help feeling a bit of ire towards him.

i want him to say, “okay, all gone! all done. you’re good to go and don’t have to come back.”

i guess i’m just feeling sorry for myself. i need to ‘snap out of it’ as everybody is telling me.

i’ll work on that.

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