Limburger Cheese

Grandpa loved Limburger cheese. (Go figure!)

He once got up in the middle of the night to make himself a midnight snack.

It was late and he didn’t want to disturb the rest of the family so he didn’t turn on the light in the kitchen. He just got the cheese out of the ice box, grabbed the bread and went to town.

The next morning my Grandmother went into the ice box, saw the cheese, turned to Grandpa and said, “How was that sandwich last night?”

“Very good.” He said.

Then she showed him the cheese.

It was crawling with maggots!

Grandpa just laughed and said, “Best Limburger cheese sandwich I ever ate!”

There are so many things wrong with that story I don’t even know where to begin……!

The REAL Reason for Global Warming

It’s the world's post menopausal baby boomers raising the ambient temperature of the globe every time they have a hot flash!

a worldwide hot flash!

(So when we baby boomers kick the bucket watch out! You're all in for another ice age! Beware of icebergs! lol)

Husband’s Retirement

I used to laugh at the women who told me to be wary of Husband’s impending retirement.

They said, “He’ll drive you crazy, just wait and see!”

I thought it was nonsense.

They just didn’t like THEIR husbands.

I liked mine. It would be different.

But a funny thing happened on the way to retirement.

He got whacky!

For a lot of our married/working life together we worked opposite shifts. Sometimes by choice (to tend to the kids) sometimes by happenstance.

But when he retired I guess he thought we should make up for this and be attached at the hip.

This was an entirely new experience for me.

I found it kind of endearing.

For about fifteen minutes.

Then he started to follow me around and tell me how to do things ‘better’.

I had kept house, had two kids, a husband and a full time job for twenty-five years and NOW he was telling me how to do it BETTER?

The last straw came when night after night he said, “Okay, time for bed!” and expected me to follow him!  (And no, he wasn’t inviting me for an amorous rendezvous!) He just expected constant togetherness.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Husband, but there are limits! And telling me it’s my bedtime is just going too far!

He has since returned to work (for economic reasons) which just may have saved the marriage! LOL

Episode Three of ‘Lest You Think BigBrother….’

We had a neighbor; I think his name was Job.

It wasn’t really, but it should have been because he had the patience of the original Job.

He was a very nice, quiet, unassuming gentleman. Kind and understanding.

He was always doing something around his house.

Some project or other.

And BigBrother used to like to ‘help’.

Job seemed to enjoy BigBrother’s visits and assistance.

One day BigBrother thought he’d help Job by painting his car.

With a brush.

And red house paint.

He had gotten one whole side done before anyone noticed.

Job brought him home and explained the situation (to my parents chagrin) but said, “Don’t worry about it. I’ll just have it washed and simonized.”

My mother said for all the years Job had that car you could still see hints of BigBrother’s handiwork, and she cringed every time she saw it!

How could anyone be mad at that adorable face?

Pigasaurus Rex

All this paper, and packaging, and cardboard, and STUFF!

What to do?

(I’ve had enough of journals for the moment.)

What about papier mâché/paper clay?

Hmmmm……..

I ripped up some magazine pages and cardboard, added the leftover bits from the journal making, put them all into a large pot and covered with water.

After they had soaked overnight I blended them with a stick blender, essentially making paper ‘soup’.  (I added a few drops of bleach just to make sure it didn't get moldy.)

Then I just took out a few handfuls, squeezed out the excess water, added some plain white Elmer’s glue to make a kind of modeling clay and sculpted away!

I baked him in a 200° oven, added paint, sealed with an acrylic glaze and voilà! 

Meet Pigasaurus Rex   (I always seem to channel creatures, don't I? LOL)

AND I used a few more of these numerous

paper beads! LOL

Sammy’s ‘Lovie’

Sammy 1997-2010

Sammy had a ‘lovie’. 

It was the blanket I made for him.

We tried many dog beds on the market but all he ever did was shred them.

And it got expensive.

So one day I went to the fabric store and got some ‘fake fur’ material and sewed up a very large two-sided ‘bed’ for him.

I didn’t stuff it, as he would have just pulled it all out anyway.

He became very attached to it.

His favorite pastime was dragging it around with him all through the house.

Wherever he went so went his ‘lovie’. 
It was like watching the canine version of Linus!

He was Husband’s dog, so everywhere Husband went, so went Sammy and his ‘lovie’.

If husband went into the living room to sit in his recliner, so did Sammy. He would drag the ‘lovie’ into the living room and then wait for Husband to spread it out so he could lie down on it. He wouldn’t lie down until it was just right!

At night all we had to say was, “Time for bed, bring your lovie,” and he would drag it into the bedroom and wait while Husband spread it out next to his side of the bed!

How NOT to Cook Kale Chips

*Also file under:

 ‘How to Fill House with Smoke’ or ‘How to Set off Smoke Alarms’.

I can be such a dork sometimes.

Yesterday was one of those times.

I’ve been hearing about kale chips for a while now.

How they’re supposed to quell your craving for potato chips while being much better for you because they have redeeming qualities. You know, that whole leafy greens are good for you thing.

So off I trudge to the grocery store.

Here are my nine easy steps of how NOT to make kale chips:

Step 1.  Go to store.

Check

Step 2.  Find the damn stuff. (I’ve never actually been aware of kale, or what it looks like. But I finally found it without having to show my stupidity by asking someone.)

Check

Step 3.  Pay for it and and bring it home. (I say this because I have been known to ‘lose’ things between the grocery store and home.)

Check

Step 4. Let kale sit in fridge for several days, forgetting all about it until it starts to look wilted then figure I better cook it before I just have to toss it.

Check

Step 5.  Wash kale, cut into chip sized pieces, toss with olive oil and sea salt, and spread out on baking sheet in single layer. Roast at 425° for aprox. 20 minutes.

Check.

Well, sort of………

Here’s the problem.

I FOLLOWED the directions and set the timer for 20 minutes!

By the time the smoke was filling the house and the alarms were going off it was too late!

Step 6. Run into kitchen, turn off oven and take out baking sheet with burnt kale.

Check

Step 7. Go to garage and get ladder to reach smoke alarms to TURN THE DAMN THINGS OFF! (Our house is ‘open concept’ {all rooms open to one another, except the bedrooms. Great for living, not great for containing smoke!} and the ceilings are all vaulted {10' to 17'} which is where the smoke alarms are located!)

Check

Step 8. Open doors to 

A. let smoke out of house and 

B. 90°, humid, Florida air into house.

Check

Step 9.  Eat the damn things anyway because after all I went through to make them I wanted to see if it was worthwhile to try this again!

Check

YUM??? (it was an.....interesting flavor! LOL)

Episode Two of ‘Lest You Think BigBrother….

Once again starring BigBrother and his trusty side-kick Bobby Neely.

Bobby Neely (and yes we always called him by his first and last name for some reason) had two pet goldfish.

Mrs. Neely kept them in a bowl on top of Bobby’s dresser.

One fine day BigBrother and Bobby Neely wanted to play with the fish.

But the dresser was very high. So they devised an ingenious plan.

They took all the clothes out of the drawers, then took the drawers out of the dresser and climbed up the empty slots where the drawers had been.

It might have worked except for the fact that they climbed up together.

Making the dresser top heavy.

It came crashing down, pinning both the boys underneath and sending the goldfish flying.

My mother and Mrs. Neely, hearing the commotion, ran upstairs to find both boys pinned under the dresser and the two goldfish flopping uncontrollably on the carpet gasping for air.

Mrs. Neely leapt into action…..

Grabbing the two goldfish by their tails and running to the bathroom and filling the sink to save their lives.

Meanwhile, my mother was left to rescue the boys.

She could never tell the story without laughing and saying, in an emergency, the first thing Mrs. Neely thought about were those two stinkin’ goldfish!

the dynamic duo--BigBrother and Bobby Neely

(Post script: The boys and the goldfish all survived the ordeal!)

Lest You Think Big Brother Was a Model Child and Had no Escapades of His Own

I used to love to listen to my mother tell the tales of when BigBrother and I were little. About all our antics!

There were always more stories about BigBrother than I.

My theory is:

1. BigBrother was the first born. (Always more pictures and attention to the first born.)

2.  Since I was second I had to share the limelight.

3.  I was saving my shenanigans for later years.

Take your pick! LOL

So I have decided to run a series of posts to enumerate 

BigBrother's escapades.

To give him equal time as it were!

The first story I remember hearing was about BigBrother and his constant companion, side-kick and best friend Bobby Neely. (Bobby will be playing a co-starring role in many of these stories.)

Their favorite pastime when they were little was playing in the sandbox.

But their games differed slightly from most.

They used to like to strip naked and throw sand at each other!

My mother would get a call from the next door neighbor saying, “They’re at it again!”

It didn’t really bother my mother. She thought it was kind of silly and cute. But apparently the neighbor was descendant from Puritans and took offense at two little naked boys in a sandbox!

Some people just have no sense of humor!

Stay tuned for the next riveting installment of  “Lest You Think Big Brother Had No Escapades of His Own……”

Sketchbook Challenge May 2012

This month’s theme over at the Sketchbook Challenge is 'fruits and vegetables'.

I like fruits and vegetables…..

To eat.

To draw, they don't do much to excite me.

But in the interest of showing the crappy stuff too, here is what I did:

Doodling in front of TV, totally uninspired, just to have something for this theme.

Copic markers and Pitt pen

  Also, an unimaginative green bell pepper (originally done in charcoal and pastels) enhanced in Photoshop to try and make it more interesting.

Some days are just……meh.

Mother’s Day Continues!

Husband isn’t fast and loose with his compliments. 

But that’s what makes them all the more meaningful and spontaneous when he goes give one.

They catch me off guard sometimes.

After the surprise visit from Son1 for mother’s day I was crooning about how great the kids have turned out and how I could never have done it without him.

He didn’t miss a beat when he replied, “Sure you could have. They would have turned out just as great!”

I actually blushed!

Sometimes we forget just how powerful our words can be.

This is one GREAT Mommy’s Day! I am blessed!

(Forgive me for boasting but I just had to share! ♥)

What a Nice Surprise!

Son1 went out and bought me a Mother’s Day card.

On Saturday……….

Then he went to Son2’s place of business and had him sign it.

and THEN…..

DROVE for two and a half hours to hand deliver it so I would get it by Sunday!

(And he took us to dinner!)

I just LOVE these guys!

Thanks for making my Mother's day ♥♥♥

I wish everyone a wonderful Mother's Day!

Actual Conversation

Them: “How old are you?”

Me: “59.”

Them: “Really? Is that like Jack Benny’s perpetual 39?”

Me: “No, I’m really 59.”

pause

Me: “If I was going to lie about my age why would I pick 59?”

At this stage, if I’m going to lie about my age, I’m going older.

That way people can tell me how great I look for 80!

Hahahahahahahahaha

(It never ceases to amaze me what people say to me! You can’t make this s**t up!)

We Have Liftoff!

CONGRATULATIONS! 

YOU MADE IT!

It was a long, hard road but you made it! 

We are so proud of you! 

(Not real college graduation picture for reasons of privacy, lol)

Celebrate responsibly (you know I have to say that!) but party like a madman ! You deserve it! 

Parenting 101

Someone recently mentioned that her son has ventured into the public temper tantrum stage of childhood.

This got me to thinking about how we used to deal with this situation.

We are proponents of the ‘Empty Threat Theory’.

It goes like this:

When said child starts to act up in public, first you must decide if it’s a meltdown or a tantrum.

These are two very different things. A meltdown comes from overstimulation, lack of sleep, or hunger.

(Or any combination of the above.)

None of which are deliberate on the child’s part or under their control.

In this case I would just abandon whatever it was I was doing, scoop said child up and remove them from the situation.

BUT…… on the other hand, if it was a deliberate and intentional temper tantrum this is how it went down:

I would grab their upper arm and squeeze tightly, lean down and VERY quietly whisper in their ear a threat so heinous and ludicrous that they knew I would never do it (i.e. “I’m going to break off your arm and use it to beat you until you are a bloodied pile of congealed intestines if you don’t stop RIGHT NOW!”)

I kept a smile plastered on my lips but had daggers in my eyes, until their eyes would go wide and they shut up.

This was very effective on the boys.

From that point on all we needed to do was to grab their upper arm, squeeze and give them what became known as ‘the mother look’ and they knew they had crossed the line and were entering dangerous territory.

Now, I know threatening children is not the perfect way to handle a given situation, but if you’re a parent you know that there are times when it is the most expedient, if not appropriate way of dealing with the little crumb crushers.

Not that I’m suggesting you should try it of course!

Just sayin’.

WHEW!

Is it just me or does it take everyone FOR-EV-ER to get a listing up on Etsy?

You have to take the photographs and then write the description and then fill in all the ‘blanks’. And Etsy doesn’t have a ‘sell similar’ like Ebay does.

So you have to do each one separately.

ONE AT A TIME.

Over and over.

Whew….

But I finally got some of the journals on the shelves.

Go take a peek......

rcwdesign

And thanks in advance for looking!  J