The Seven Stages of Hospitalization

I write this as a public service. So if you are ever faced with a hospital stay, you’ll go in knowing what to expect. You’re welcome!

  1. Admittance: This stage can occur in several different ways. If it’s an emergency and you’re in pain you pretty much don’t care what they do to/with you as long as they give you drugs. If it’s a planned admittance you’re so anxious you don’t care what they do to/with you as long as they start the drugs. It’s actually pretty much the same!

  2. Procedure: The only thing you’ll remember about this stage is the masked face of the anesthesiologist before he puts your lights out.

  3. Waking up: This stage can be summed up in one word PAIN.

  4. Recovery: Recovery consists of lying in bed, pushing the morphine button as often as humanly possible between drifting off into a semi comatose state.

  5. Convalescence: Convalescence is when they wean you off the morphine and onto pills for the pain. This makes you ambulatory since you have to get up to go to the nurses’ station to ask for more pain meds.

  6. The First Meal: The first meal usually consists of ‘soft’ food. After all, you’ve just had surgery and anesthesia and your poor tummy isn’t itself. So what do they feed you? Green jello! Whose sick, sadistic idea is this? In my opinion, the only place for a lime is in a gin and tonic!

  7. Discharge: You know you’re ready to go home when you stop looking forward to meals and recognize the hospital food as  the true tasteless dreck that it is.

I must add here that the nurses are truly (as my Grandfather used to say) angels in disguise. They do all the work and the doctors grab all the glory. Totally unfair! The nurses were the only good part of the whole experience! Well, along with the morphine! LOL

(Disclaimer: No, I'm not in the hospital. This is just a remembrance. Long enough ago to be able to make fun of it.)