.....and other random stuff......

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Cinco de Mayo

I’ve wanted to share this for some time but I have been hesitant. I’m not sure it’s appropriate for here. 
Not sure if it’s too raw and I apologize if I offend anyone.
I have been thinking about writing a 'book' about the not so pretty side of things. But would anyone be interested? 
Is it any good or just rubbish?

(Maybe it's just something I need to vent and then keep to myself.....)

'It is a Tuesday morning. I’m just back from the bagel shop with a deliciously overstuffed everything bagel. As I spread my breakfast out on the desk my beeper goes off.
It’s my mother.
I pick up the phone and dial her number. Aunt Kay answers.
“What’s up?” I ask.
“Come home, your mother needs you,” she replies.
“Okay, I’m on my way.” I answer.

I call my boss and tell him I’m leaving. As I gather my belongings I think if she needs an ambulance, like last time, I should call from here and meet them at the hospital. So I call back and suggest this to Aunt Kay.
She repeats, “Come home, your mother needs you.”

It is then I realize it's a rehearsed line and I know what it means.

In all the times I have rushed to my mother’s side, at hospitals or at home, this is the first time I deliberately stay within the speed limit. At each stop light I pray it will turn red. I pray the entire way there, ‘Let it be over before I get there.  Please, let it be over. “

Because I am a coward.

Because I know I don’t have the courage to hold my mother’s hand while she dies.
Could I do it for my husband, absolutely. Could I do it for my children, without a doubt. Why can’t I do it for my mother?

I’m 45 years old and I don’t know what to do. And the person I would normally ask for advice is lying on the couch looking like she’s napping, except she’s not.

The EMT’s come but it’s obvious it’s too late.
A police officer shows up, I don’t know why.
The coroner comes. They tell me the next step is to call a funeral home.
I don’t want to. I don’t want them to take her away.

I want my mother to wake up.

The funeral director comes. I leave the room but not until I see them put her in a maroon body bag.
I don’t want that to be the last memory I have of her, but it is.

I’m in shock. No one else is. Am I the only one who didn’t see it coming?

What was the last thing I said to her?
It’s funny; you don’t realize the last thing you say to someone is going to be the last thing you get to say to them.

I’m not the only one this happened to. It happens every 1.8 seconds (I looked it up.) But I feel like I’m the only one.
Like a kite that has lost its tether.
I don’t know where to go. I don’t know what to do.
I know I need to be doing ‘things’. But where do I start? Who do I call?

I’m not used to feeling like this. Out of control. I’m a very ‘in control’ person.
But now I am lost.'

Cinco de Mayo is the day she died. It's been eighteen years. 
My Aunt told me 'It gets easier. Not better, but easier.' 
Now I understand.


  1. Your writing tugs at my heart. Not better, but easier still sounds unbearably hard. I have not been through this story in my life yet, but it will come one day, but I can not bear to think that thought now. Thank you for writing this and sharing it. I think you should write your book, even if you decide it is just for yourself in the end. Write it and then decide if you want to share it. You are a wonderful writer and your stories happy or sad always touch my heart. Thank you for sharing this one. I am so sorry for your loss. xo Kim

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. I think it's no easy to front fancing death. I'm sorry for your loss. Kisses.

  4. We never get over it do we? My mom has been gone 38 years and I miss her still. My dad has been gone for for almost 16 years and I miss him still. Go ahead and keep right on missing her. It's really okay.

  5. Definitely write a book Robin...your story is heartfelt, so many people have been in your situation, I have. ♥

  6. Follow your instinct, your desire, and write. The story, the feelings want to get out.
    Your writing captures the reader, and that means you're also writing for others, not only to yourself. That's a skill not everybody has.
    You do.

  7. I think others feel the same way as you do. Share your story.

  8. I relate to those feelings. I was with my mom when she died. Dad, too. Your writing is poignant and very readable. I'd say...write.

  9. I agree with Kim. First write it for yourself and if it feels right then share it.
    .....I miss my Mum.

  10. wow. powerful piece of writing

  11. yes, definitely write! if not for anyone but yourself and maybe your children. it's good to write things down...everyone has a story to tell.

    i've not yet experienced my parents passing. i don't look forward to these feelings. :(

  12. Any good!? It's brilliant! You really have a way with words, it is so easy to read, it's powerful and honest and raw and recognizable, and yes: you should go and write that book!


I appreciate your comments!